Husband’s little secret revealed after 30 years

DEAR ABBY:

I have been with my husband for 41 years, married for 30, but we lived together for five years before we tied the knot. I have just learned he has a son who is two months younger than our son. The mother is a woman he slept with while I was pregnant with our first child. She put the baby up for adoption, and the young man has just reached out to my daughter. My husband claims he didn’t find out about the child until after he was relinquished, and he didn’t believe the woman ever really gave birth. I am devastated. I feel like my entire marriage to him has been a lie. He says after we were married

31 years ago, he never cheated on me, and I should move past it. What do you think I should do? —

You have my sympathy. I agree with your husband that you need to move past this, but that doesn’t mean you should forget it. Solid marriages are based on trust, and yours has understandably been shattered. If his behavior since your wedding has been as exemplary as he claims, you should be able to review his financial records and see where the marital assets have been going. He should also be willing to discuss this in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he is unwilling to do this, it is another red flag, and you should consider consulting a lawyer.

My sister-in-law emailed me Christmas lists for my niece and nephew. Abby, I didn’t ask for them, nor did I request gift ideas for her children. In fact, I haven’t seen my sisterin-law in more than six months. Of course I will be giving gifts to both my nephew and niece, but I think it was awfully presumptuous of her to just send a link via email. How can I respond to this in the future? Should I just let it go? Am I wrong in thinking that it was poor etiquette on her part? —

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your sister-in-law may have been trying to be helpful, but I agree that what she did was presumptuous. Handle it by sending gifts of your own choosing to your niece and nephew. If you receive any more links of that nature in the future, do the same thing.

I am at a crossroads. My wife and I have grown apart. I thought we could go to counseling to resolve it, but she wants no part of it. My issue is this: My daughter came to me asking why Mommy is kissing “Mr. Jones” and telling him she loves him. I can handle the heartbreak, but for my daughter to see this kills me inside. How do I confront this? —

Talk to your wife about what your daughter told you. When couples separate, they usually try to spare their young children the details of their romantic lives until enough time has passed for the kids to adjust to the breakup. That your wife couldn’t wait to do this is regrettable. Because she refuses counseling, if you haven’t talked to an attorney, the time to do it is now.

DEAR UNABLE: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR HEARTBROKEN: UNABLE TO LET IT GO DUMBFOUNDED IN FL HEARTBROKEN